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“Reaching the Pinnacle of Humanity”

12 Apr

UFC heavyweight contender Alistair Overeem apparently tested positive for “elevated testosterone.” Shocking? Hmm, let’s see, hard to tell.

Props to the fellows at SIBAT for putting this together.

If you click in the picture it will take you to the original post  published a couple days ago. Turns out, Alistair Overeem wasted no time to defend himself and did so by publishing his memoirs (or whatever), awesomely titled: Reaching The Pinnacle of Humanity.”

Here’s an excerpt that just sounds like an awesome Cyborg sequel in the making:

“As I stepped off the plane in Beijing in early 2003, I was greeted by Vice Chairman of China’s Central Military Commission Xi Jinping and General Guo Boxiong, who escorted me to our meeting with the newly elected President Hu Jintao. During the thirty-minute limo ride, they began to describe their state-of-the-art facilities and techniques they claimed were far beyond the capabilities of any other nation in the world. After apologising for my subpar command of the Mandarin language, I admitted that I was very intrigued by their facilities. Unbeknownst to me, the glistening facilities and staggering research budgets were just the tip of the iceberg.

When we finally reached our rendezvous with President Jintao, I could sense an aura of excitement emanating from my escorts. They had clearly been hiding something important from me. Taking a seat at the head of a long mahogany conference table, President Jintao began to describe to me a program that was much more than just a new lifting regimen: it was a revolutionary approach to the human body.

In exchange for enrolling into their program, President Jintao promised that his team of scientists and engineers would help me win the Pride Championship Belt. ‘You’re gonna knockout that punk Chuck Liddell in the first round son, word is bond.’ Uncomfortable with making a such an important decision with too much haste, I implied that I needed some time to think about it. Before I could finish my sentence, President Jintao cut me off, saying ‘Look, I know that becoming the-greatest-fighter-that-has-graced-this-planet-since-Bruce-Lee might not be that much of an incentive, but I didn’t get a chance to tell you about the female division of the program that we will be running within the same facility…,’ and that was all that it took.

There were no lengthy contracts to sign, no lawyers present, and no media conferences. We had just made a verbal agreement to partake in the most important advancement of humanity since Gutenberg’s invention of movable type, and the rest of the world was totally unaware.”
 

As he continues to deny his positive test and defend his innocence, other gems include things like:

 “I am, quite simply, a better human being.”
 
And my favorite:
 
“While the average human has 0.00000000003 grams of radium, my body contains nearly 2,000 times that amount. This is a result of several years of experimenting and tweaking my diet, mostly by replacing protein shakes with white wine.”


This is so exciting! Is this how kids feel like after reading Harry Potter?  I urge you to PLEASE head over to SIBAT  for a more in-depth analysis and more excerpts from my new favorite read!

Reaching The Pinnacle of Humanity.” Is there a better title for a non-fiction-fiction involving PEDs in sports?

Don’t think so.

 

 

PS. (The Onion is awesome). 
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